Today has been interesting.
I went to school which was... eh, school.
I went to lunch with my best friends which was great.
I went and hung out with a cute boy for a little while which was fabulous.
I curled my best friend's sister's hair for her engagement photos.
I went and watched them get their engagements done and dreamed about the day I found a boy who not only adores me, but who I will spend the rest of my life with.
But my mind has been racing all week. Thankfully, there have been lots of moments when I was having a great time and was very content. And I'm so grateful for those moments. I have my best friends to thank for them. But in the back of my mind has been one thing. It's been over 7 months since Brandon passed away.
I can't believe it's been that long already. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I'll never forget that feeling I had when I got that dreadful phone call. I can't stop thinking about him this week. It's been 7 months, I should have complete closure by now. But I don't. I can't get over the fact that for the last 7 months, he could have been around. He could have been with his friends having an amazing senior year. And I can't help but to feel guilt. EXTREME guilt, to the point of anxiety. I could have called him up out of the blue and asked how he was doing. I could have driven to Alpine and passed his house to see him skating, I could have gotten out of my car and talked to him. Maybe I could have even simply written on his Facebook wall. I could have made a difference. I should have. If someone would have done something, maybe he would still be here with us today. I could have been that someone. But I wasn't. No one was. And now he's gone. Maybe because he felt worthless, maybe because he gave up. And that's what kills me the most. We will never know why he decided to leave us. All I know is I wish I could have saved everyone the heartache, and more importantly, I wish I could have saved his beautiful, priceless life.
So in my week of endless guilt and wandering thoughts, I've had a poster hanging on my desk in my bedroom. At my church, when there is a girl who has a birthday month, they hang up a poster with the birthday girl's name on it and each girl in the group writes something to the birthday girl. I didn't think much of it when I received it on Sunday. But tonight, I came home and sat on my bed, my head spinning. Then I looked at the paper and read all the notes from the sweet girls. My feelings of guilt were completely washed away with feelings of love and appreciation. I'm so grateful for such sweet girls who make me feel like I'm worth the world. My paper is hung on my desk with some of the things that I love.
My lion pillow pet.
My teddy bear the hospital gave me on one of my many MANY visits.
My kitty cat stuffed animal that the hospital also gave me.
My straw fedora that I love.
"I love Aly! Her smile lights up the entire room. I love the way that she doesn't care what people think about her. Her voice is amazing and she is just so wonderful."
"Aly! I love you. You are so funny and I love how you are yourself. I also love how you love cats so much. It makes me laugh."
"I love you Aly! You are so much fun to be with and just so full of energy all the time. I love you talking to you about boys or anything really. You have a gorgeous voice and an insane talent for writing music. I just really like you, a lot. You are absolutely stunning. I love you!!"
Reading these messages made my week. Despite my difficult week, despite my inner battles and trying to forgive myself for such a heavy burden, I can still manage to go to bed extremely grateful. Why? Because I have great friends. I have an amazing family. I am so blessed and so loved. Tomorrow is Friday. And I know that the last 7 months have been absolute paradise for Brandon, even though they've been everything but paradise for me.
Hopefully this positive mindset sticks. And this post is turning into overanalyzing, which we all know is never good for me. Just one of those things you need to get off your chest, and it's easy to do over a blog with readers you don't even know. :)
Anywho, I have lots of crazy things to tell you all tomorrow.
But until then, SWEET DREAMS MY DARLINGS.
Post a Comment